tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-356572372024-03-05T17:38:25.747-08:00Mama's Thinking CornerMama's Thinking Corner is about as real as it gets. On Mama’s Thinking Corner you’ll follow our every day happenings in a family with four active boys. You’ll watch as Leif and I try to balance Family - God - Work - School - and Health. All while trying to maintain a sense of sanity and humor.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger1003125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-90138406959293973732023-04-15T14:21:00.001-07:002023-04-15T14:21:56.263-07:00Let It Be Known: Artificial Intelligence Let it be known that my prediction of the devastating potential of Artificial Intelligence is, that it will be the slow death of the human mind's original creativity. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-61379052079321846682023-04-07T20:02:00.001-07:002023-04-07T20:02:16.719-07:00The Miracle - So Much BetterTonight I read the last several blog posts I wrote. I realized that I haven't written about The Miracle! Isn't that how it is though, experience the miracle that sets you free, and never look back to say Thank You? Well, actually, I have Definitely looked back Many Many times to thank Father in Heaven for this miracle!<div>In February 2022 I reached out to the medical world and asked for a prescription of Lamictal. I had come to the very last strand of my rope. And I knew that if something didn't change, I wouldn't be able to do all that was absolutely Required of me in the upcoming years. </div><div>So, I went back to researching my symptoms at that time. And I found Lamictal. It was an absolute MIRACLE that my primary physician was willing to prescribe it for me even though protocol says a psychiatrist needs to prescribe it. </div><div>Anyway, eventually I was signed up with a great psychiatrist (another miracle!) Within a month of taking the medication I knew that we were on the edge of something Amazing. At the same timeframe I had started back on phentermine for weightloss and was starting to follow a pattern of intermittent fasting. In the meantime, I had an IUD placed that stopped the profuse monthly bleeding. </div><div>By the time Summer came I was feeling better then I have felt in Year's! It was absolutely Incredible!!! Not perfect, but so much more able to function normally. When fall hit we upped the medication to ward of any potential seasonal depression and lethargy. And that never came. Thanksgiving came and I was able to clean the whole house, plan and prepare a feast, and follow through with Fantastic results. My internal celebration was on constant repeat. I couldn't remember feeling so alive and clear minded. Winter set in and Christmas season started and it only got better. I was even able to wake up before the kids and READ scriptures. I hadn't read like that for a decade, at least. </div><div>There really are no words to explain how beautiful it feels to "feel" alive. Not just "be" alive. By February I had lost a little over 20 pounds. Life was incredibly stressful as usual. But I have continued to feel well. Things kindof balanced out over this last month. The initial euphoria is over. And the weather has wreaked havic on my ability to push through and stay well. It has rained consistently since New Year's Eve. ... It's April. So, it isn't surprising that my body is fighting to go in to hibernation mode. </div><div>But even now, I still feel better and function better then I have in years! And that, is THE MIRACLE!!! </div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-30994768651066100942023-04-07T19:00:00.001-07:002023-04-08T11:10:31.075-07:00An Interview With Twix a.k.a. Twixie Girl<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div>Twix is our foster English Bulldog puppy. We are fostering her for <a href="https://lilyspadrescue.org/contact">Lily's Pad Rescue.</a> Twix has Spina Bifida. This is a neurological condition that affects her hind end. Her back legs are weak and wobbly. And she is incontinent. Which means that her body has no control over her bowels or her bladder. Twix wears diapers 24/7. <div><br></div><div>Benifits Of Diaper Dogs</div><div>As a Foster Mama, I prefer diaper puppies because I don't have to stress about accidents and house training. And I don't have to plan ahead for potty breaks. I do have to make time for diaper changes. But I can make that schedule work for me. </div><div>Here is an "Interview" with Twix. Enjoy! If you're interested in adopting Twix, contact <a href="https://www.shelterluv.com/matchme/adopt/LPRS/Dog">www.Lilyspadrescue.org</a></div><div><p dir="ltr">AN INTERVIEW WITH TWIX</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div><p></p><p dir="ltr">1. What is your name? Twix, Twixie, Twixie Girl.</p><p dir="ltr">2. How old are you? Almost 1 Year old.</p><p dir="ltr">3. How much do you weigh? I weigh 30 pounds. I probably need to lose a few pounds, and definitely not gain any.</p><p dir="ltr">4. How is your health? Good! </p><p dir="ltr">5. How’s your mobility? I am mobile. But I walk on the wrong part of my feet. And my hips are weak. So I'm a little wobbly and unsteady. I can run fast and walk like a big girl. But I'm not brave or steady enough to go up or down a flight of stairs. I can walk up one or two steps. But I have to be carried up or down more than that. I am currently in Physical Therapy. And that is helping me a lot.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</a><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEj_Gc20H6PyCzyEpzNgarOMSnfYc9KI8aN1bTlRpZyzTbYIYL5FQJ2HsZfR9v8YUt_B5qbyt4MNhhU4vI9iLG9UVl1WuRcDWqP_-rEzaaLio7u9CesokTg3vM-dPpCpGBjeu-3tDukPswNhWAcpoVY7kmde6OOonRzq04TmZL8DMJaEMJf8Xw" width="400"></div><p></p><p dir="ltr">6. What do you look like? I'm black, brown, and caramel. Just like a Twix candy bar.🍫</p><p dir="ltr">7. What do you like to eat? ANYTHING! You can get me to do almost anything if you have a treat for me. I eat so fast I don't even taste it. And Mama says I'm strange, but I Really like the smell and taste of feet.</p><p dir="ltr">8. What kind of personality do you have? I am often told that I'm adorable. And Mama says she agrees. I am willing to learn all about good manners. I absolutely Love any human that walks in the door. Big humans and tiny humans. My best human friend right now is little. He says he's 5. And I play hard with him. But I know not to bite him like I play with my fur friends. I know how to hold still during diaper changes too. I even know how to sit for a treat! I am a sweet and happy girl!</p><p dir="ltr"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</a><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgf69PRqUQcWU4UfPILzwsYIiVP8VrsDLnNqb2ZFdp7mYvdhqkrx2Htw1wxpAJWGarJK_2zuEXHuahIUQuDe0xc-cNwk2iu23BfSGDSVy6isd5dP0mX_U3yit23TV1RMzmlbDa8tVtYmQMOX6m8q6s4Cs8fyIzhxHsLL8zKfx3lksMrJ-_nvQ" width="400"></div><p></p><p dir="ltr">9. Describe your perfect day: Mama calls me her Sunshine Girl. I LOVE to sit and bask in the sun. On the porch, on the grass, in the dirt, or in front of a window. My perfect day would be to relax and play in the sun. Although, I am perfectly happy playing inside too.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</a><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjVOdigSQ6jTKn1e8lxoXxcb9mmFbpcYI30knp7DYoWHpooJiWKKH2REtdNtA9c97h5fquf_SzIJ0MzbTAt7BbOt2u_OqdNJZfEVG4WQOlGYRTuknGk1K-4L88fhe_4Jva7N-VKg_1lB_z9FC9iS9mMKxzYdUiwdMTOGQ2OjNqomZ4F6d8eCg" width="400"></div><p></p><p dir="ltr">10. What is your favorite toy? I love squeaky balls. And nylon bones. When I first got to Mama's, I wasn't quite sure what was a toy or a "NO" But now I understand and enjoy chewing on bones and dog toys.</p><p dir="ltr"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</a><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgBJ4Gxcm2s8fmdhrQhToFoX9cp6R6cWAiEUaZo_0tFtCoj2XENtR5UyUC4BSSTGcpedvz5eyLftQ4SitQsXA9cN1Zxg-0LQXv8gLHFTXMIl9xe7JgYBI4feKSqS6aDfBY-_cd4tM3O1niQTlFnanq5Bg70jmb2HQYR10NCTggKbxuqYzk69g" width="400"></div><p></p><p dir="ltr">11. Do you know any tricks? I'm working on Fetch. I just need to figure out how to "Bring It Back". Whatever that means!?</p><p dir="ltr">12. Is there anything that scares you? Not really.</p><p dir="ltr">13. Have you been around children? Yes! And I Love them!</p><p dir="ltr">14. Do you like cats? I haven’t been around cats yet. I would probably want to play with them. But not hurt them.</p><p dir="ltr">15. How do you feel about other dogs? I Love other dogs. I think I would be lonely if I didn't have other dogs to wrestle and play chase with.</p><p dir="ltr">16. If you could be anywhere in the world, where would it be? With a loving family. At home, or on the road. I love to be out and about. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div><p></p><p dir="ltr">17. Who do you live with in your foster home (kids, dogs, etc) and who is your closest companion? I live with Mama and Papa and their four boys. I also live with two other English Bulldogs. And Papa has chickens that I'm learning are "His". I love my fur brother and sister. But I also adore my 5 yr old boy.</p><p dir="ltr"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</a><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjDkb4syzRS1-ysgHA4GdidrjUElhskTpiS9y-KlL7jP489u9pW2Cv5jbJZw4vzAfPAvbLCkbmx6t5nAKDMPS2Rrj4WFcEMWQgcvYXtcXIt5xVk1XCQ3AICjXD-WeGxSyz5cSmPo7Kxq-inWPA4hkhiwBE5-td1wO11u9O39jrR8KactKVNng" width="400"></div><p></p><p dir="ltr">18. Where do you hang out when you are home alone? I am crate trained and am ok hanging out in my crate. Especially, if I have a nice bone to chew on.</p><p dir="ltr">19. Where do you sleep? I sleep in my crate. When Mama puts a blanket over my crate, I know that means that it's bedtime. I Love naps with my famiky too, of course!</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div><p></p><p dir="ltr">20. Do you like walking on a leash? I will if I have too. But it's still confusing for me. I'm much happier in my stroller.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</a><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiyoaWx9yNvgR0fPCBWqoFmi0tYORiYkInGcoZRy2VOodott-H98I9I8peKOdgVrKDQgubGLFUVOT8VyP0yAiyRlqBNV0V4R55u4qYBD1R4UVZ13A5S_s0A-liD21BhnwVvXyz6NVLqP5TnxVM-8ydWUF5Qh8XaoA2Cme6PESAvCjwpWpXqlg" width="400"></div><p dir="ltr">21. Do you have any "not-so-great" habits that we should know about? Well, sometimes if I get left alone in a messy room, I get confused about what is a food, a toy, or a "NO"! So sometimes I'll chew on a box or swallow an earplug. And sometimes I think I'm supposed to eat my poop if I see it. But overall, I'm a well mannered girl.</p><p dir="ltr">22. What’s your potty situation? I am incontinent. Which means that I wear diapers all of the time. I am very good during diaper changes.</p><p dir="ltr">23. Do you like water? I'm curious about water. And I don't mind my baths.</p><p dir="ltr">24. What do you love about your foster family? I love that I have a lot of company so I don't feel bored or lonely. I love that my family understands my special needs and is able to take care of me and take me to any vet or physical therapy appointments that I have. </p><p dir="ltr">25. What was your life like before being brought into Lily's Pad Rescue? I was rescued by ChunkzNTubz Rescue in SoCal when I was about 8 months. When I was rescued I had/have scars around my lady parts because no one cared for my potty needs and the urine burned my skin. When Lily's Pad took over my care because of my special needs I was about 10 months old. Mama is my Foster Mom. When I came to Mama I couldn't walk very well at all. I slid around on my side. And pulled myself with my front legs. But I have worked Really Hard and now I'm able to walk on all four legs most of the time. Mama says that I look like a little grizzly bear cub from behind. I'm really cute!</p><p dir="ltr"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div>After</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-6335800910203409482022-09-02T08:28:00.001-07:002022-09-02T08:29:24.494-07:00Puppy Keeps Eating Treat BagMolly, our new puppy, is a constant food seeker. No matter how much and how often she's fed, she's hunting for food. Sometimes this is a nutritional deficiency problem. For her it's an emotional psychological problem. Most likely due to neglect at birth and until she was rescued. <div><br></div><div>The most frustrating struggle right now is she keeps finding the treat bag used for diaper time and eating the entire bag before we know it. She could down it in seconds. She's done it 3 times. This third time she pulled the diaper box off of the fireplace and dug out the cheerios I was using since she'd eaten the bag of treats the day before. And no matter how angry I get and her time outs, so far she's not able to control her urge. So, sadly, she's kennaled unless I'm in the room. She goes for toilet paper too. So she can't be free to wander. With so many people in the house I can't keep all of her temptations at bay. So, she's restricted. And of course she's upset about that. But sadly, she'll probably stop trying to bark. Because it won't be answered. Poor Girl! Her early trauma is so sad. I PRAY that she'll mature and accept that she has to resist her urge to purge;) </div><div><br></div><div>Until then, I have to breathe and focus on all that we love about her and snuggle her as often as time allows. Puppy raising is as hard as raising a two year old. It's a huge commitment. But we didn't go into her adoption blindly. But I pray that she'll come out strong and happy. I'll have to research about more therapeutic ideas too.</div><div><br></div><div>BREATHE AND LOVE...</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-48023332644068497052022-08-31T09:32:00.001-07:002022-09-02T08:10:52.733-07:00Busy TimesSo many big things are happening now and in the near future. I need to start blogging again! I need to be able to look back on these days. I really hope I can stick with this blogging thing again. <div><br></div><div>Jakob's mission prep and now potential BYU application is the biggest thing on our minds. Always in the back of my mind. Even though there is SO MUCH happening on a day to day basis.</div><div><br></div><div>We have all 4 boys going to 4 different schools. Luckily, Jakob can drive himself. Luckily we were able to get a third car. But that's a stress financially. Which means Jakob needs to get a job. Which is a big stress. I hope we can help him follow through with that. None of us want him to work. It's very helpful to have him home. But financially he needs to work.</div><div><br></div><div>Most of my day is carpooling. And during the down time I'm caring for the dogs or catching my breath for a moment. Which means the housework is piling up. Always nagging and incredibly frustrating. I wish I had the guts and was humble enough to call in the church troops for help. But I'd like to think that I'm not the only one with this struggle. And that it wouldn't be fair for me to ask for help if they're in the same boat. ... but wowza could we use Audrey our past nanny right now!!! Sad thing is, we couldn't pay help anyway. Really, I should be working. But that's not realistic. I've offered to do pet sitting. But I think we both know that that would br more stress then it's worth. Leif's just trying to work extra hours. Bless him!</div><div><br></div><div>I'm listening to the dogs play fight outside my door. They're a good distraction. But a stress too. Lot's of vet appointments. Thank Heavens for CareCredit that helps us spread the payments out.</div><div><br></div><div>Well, my few minutes to myself and rare moment to bath is up. It was nice while it lasted.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-4835149229332753492022-06-29T21:11:00.000-07:002022-06-29T21:11:46.186-07:00Written December 2018<p dir="ltr">Leif and Lena Baron Family <br>
Christmas Update for 2018</p>
<p dir="ltr">Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of our Dear Friends and Family!! We hope that this letter finds you well and happy. Our family is doing well! We've officially lived in California for one year now. Three months in Bakersfield and nine months in Huntington Beach. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Leif is working in Compton at MLK Community Hospital as a permanent float pool RN and is no longer a travel nurse. He enjoys the hospital and his co-workers. And they Love him! As a float pool nurse he is assigned to departments all over the hospital including the ER and the ICU. His latest evaluation was filled with praise and gratitude from the administration. Can't beat that! He is also finishing up his final year of his Masters Degree as a Family Nurse Practitioner. It's amazing to think that there's a light at the end of that tunnel. Leif and I finally convinced ourselves, and the ward leadership, that we will truly be staying here. Leading them to give us each a calling in the ward. Leif is serving in the primary and I am in the primary presidency as second counselor. Leif is an amazing nurse. But he is an even better father and husband. He brings a life and light to our home that is hard to beat.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Lena, well, I'm doing well! I am happy. And I have all that I could ask for. I have a testimony of my Savior and His gospel. I have an amazing husband. I have seriously, Seriously, amazing children. Especially my sweet baby who is currently my constant companion. Which I know was absolutely meant to be for this time in my life. I live in a beautiful part of the country in a place close to the ocean, sunshine, and all of the conveniences of life that a mother could ask for. I am making good friends along the way. And keeping friends old and new from around the world. My cup runneth over, really. On the harder days I have plenty of good things to keep me from falling too deep, for too long into the dark. We have finally narrowed down the names and diagnosis' to my ailments. Which has been a lifelong journey up to this point. And we are only steps away from getting control of a lot of the struggles I face daily. I feel very very grateful and blessed!! </p>
<p dir="ltr">Jakob. Jakob. Honestly, Jakob is the linchpin of the family right now. His mood and influence determines much of how the rest of the house feels. Gratefully, he is most often cheerful, helpful, silly, and uplifting. Wherever Jakob is, there will be music. He revolves around listening to, exploring, and creating music. All different genres :) Jakob has full blown ADD. So this means that he is a constant multitasker. For example, right now he's listening to his current music, while playing or watching his favorite computer game of War Thunder (currently as a Fighter Pilot), all while juggling his baby brother. Really, that's a small scale example for him. Most of the time he's flipping through several different random YouTube things he's researching at the moment. All while playing and listening to music. He's pretty impressive. His parkour, writing, and acting skills are equally impressive. He is now a Teacher in the Priesthood and takes this very seriously. Jakob has a "presence" about him. He makes a big impact on whatever, whoever, and where ever he is. I love to watch him interact with the kids at church and school. He's so unique. Yet, they all admire him. It's pretty fascinating to watch. Jakob has his health challenges too. Which we're finally able to address. His rheumatologist is the chief rheumatologist of the children's hospital and is a great doctor. Jakob's up against some challenges with Juvenile Arthritis. But he'll tackle them like a champ. Of that I have no doubt.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Caleb, what would we do without Caleb!? Caleb "shakes things up a bit", every day. 😁 He is showing so much progress in school. He's in the 4th grade and we love to watch his writing and spelling improve as he puts his mind to it daily. Caleb has a kind and tender heart. He really wants everyone around him to be their best self. Caleb still Loves WWII and military history, especially anything about tanks and tank battles. Caleb still battles Autism and ADHD. But he has mastered many “life skills” by now that have moved him forward in many ways. We are so proud of him and love every ounce of him and all that he is. <br>
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<p dir="ltr"> JJ, or rather, “Jonathan”, as he has chosen to go by at school; is as wonderful and complex as his full given name of Jonathan Jefferson Lee Baron. 😲 He was baptized this summer and his tender spirit and desire to do good reflects the commitment to Christ he made. He is doing great in school. And has made a lot of friends. Which means that he's finally able to go a week or more without talking about how much he misses Alton (his favorite place to live). 😉 JJ Loves dinosaurs and hopes to be a paleontologist some day. JJ is a great brother. Especially with Joshua. He will read and play with him for hours. I also love to watch JJ and Caleb navigate their relationship. I often compare them to “two grumpy old men, sittin’ on a porch, tryin’ to outdo each other as they talk story.” 😂 They know that if I start calling them “Frank” and “Bob”, that it's time for them to simmer down and make some peace. 💓</p>
<p dir="ltr">Joshua. Our precious Little Caboose. I would be, and was, lost without him. I love all of my children! But each of them has had the season where they are “My Baby.” And this is his. Though, I have a feeling that his season might last just a little bit longer then the others did. ;) Joshua is what I call a “conflicted introvert”. Much like his Papa, he can be the life of the party and yet be one who would rather hang back within his own thoughts and observations. He has a presence about him, much like Jakob. People are drawn to his warmth. Though his quick smile and strawberry blonde curls help him in this regard, i’m sure. He will jibber jabber to people, himself, the windows, and to his toys, all day long. Telling all of his favorite stories. <br>
He LOVES HIS BROTHERS and will mimic their every word and action. Truthfully, the only real word that he says without hesitation and with full understanding is “pray” .And he brings his two hands together in the sign of prayer. It shocked and tickled us when he surprised all of us one night at family prayer. Otherwise, there's a lot of testing of sounds and signs. But few true blue words. He says “mama”. But rarely with a purpose. Joshua is healthy for the most part. He's walking, eating, and doing all the cute things a 15 month old baby should. The only concern that still lingers from his rough and early birth is the possibility of some nerve or neurological damage with his right arm. It's very subtle. But he crawls on a fist and his arm gives out on him here and there. So we're meeting with a Pediatric Neurologist about that. He also has a problem with his right eye. It likes to wander outwards on occasion. So that will be fixed later. Once the muscles are grown more. So, all in all, for a baby who came out not breathing for a bit, we are So Very Grateful for the health and strength he is blessed with. And for the treasure that he has become within our family.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Thank you all for catching up with us! Please know that we Love you all and miss you and your company. Also, please remember that there are ALWAYS Good Things To Come in this life! We must not give up! Please endure to the end, In Christ. For, we know with all of our hearts that He will carry us through all things.</p>
<p dir="ltr">With Love, <br>
The L&L Baron Family<br>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-27705190210556756282022-06-29T21:09:00.001-07:002022-06-29T21:09:23.346-07:00Written January 2022<div>I have been sick for my children's entire lives. Some of the time, like the present, I am really sick. The "barely get out of bed" kind of sick. When I'm deep in the pit, you better believe that I ponder the peace of Heaven often. But if you haven't walked my path before, you might think that it is reprieve from the illness that I long for. But the truth is, the peace I find my mind creeping towards is a release from the guilt and shame that weighs down my mother heart like a ball and chain trying to drag me to the depths of the ocean. The feeling of deep sadness at the things undone with my children because of my weaknesses. </div><div><br></div><div>Do not feel pity for me. It is the last thing I need. My life is filled with so much goodness and love. And I'm way past expecting someone else to fix our problems. I only share these very personal feelings simply to let someone who needs to know, that they are not alone in feeling such things. </div><div><br></div><div>In my situation we may be surrounded by people and still feel desperately lonely. So what practical things do we do to keep ourselves from doing anything that would break our loved ones hearts?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-79637630044057192292022-06-29T21:07:00.001-07:002022-06-29T21:09:34.902-07:00Written November/December 2021<div> months ago, I was finally able to foster a special needs "Road Dog" through the internationally known bulldog rescue Road Dogs and Rescues based in Southern California. Never did I think he would become our Forever Family Dog.</div><div><br></div><div>But, it didn't take long to realize that Stevie (A.K.A Zephyr Sage @roaddogsandrescue) is no ordinary Dog. He is a diaper dog. I usually change his diaper up to three times a day. He had been taught a routine, and he is incredibly patient during the whole process. He is a pleaser and is eager to learn and follow the rules. He has been amazing at his ability to be "nice" while wrestling around with Joshua. And one of the sweetest things is he has been a miracle for solving Caleb's sleep anxiety.</div><div><br></div><div>When we saw all that Stevie brought to the table, we had a family discussion. The question at hand was, "Do we REALLY want a Forever family dog? Up to this point, we have only had failed attempts at forever dogs and our Fosters. But Leif and I feel an absolute commitment together, never to have another failed attempt at a forever dog. So this was a very serious decision.</div><div><br></div><div>It was interesting to see and hear each family member process the question. Asking themselves whether or not they even enjoyed having dogs around. Or, were willing to consistently take care of the dog. If they wanted a dog forever, what kind of dog? A big dog? Little? Playful? Wise? A Diaper dog? Or one who requires a walk several times a day.</div><div><br></div><div>Leif: If the dog is beneficial for any of the kids' Special Needs then, Great! If not, then No.</div><div>Lena: If the dog is helpful, comforting, and easily taught, then Yes. And Definitely a Diaper dog.</div><div>Jakob: Is functionally allergic to dogs. So he prefers no dog. But if he had to have one he prefers a big smart dog.</div><div>Caleb: Wants to be sure that if we had a dog we could still foster. If he glad a dog he would want a playful dog. Stevie would be a great forever dog.</div><div>JJ: Doesn't NEED a dog. Because he just got a guinea pig. So he's paying attention to him.</div><div>Joshua: Would love a dog. Loves Stevie.</div><div>We also talked about some of the reasons that we each didn't like about dogs: Pottying requirements/insistent on stopping to go out. Barking. Not smart/or obedient. Hard to go on vacations. </div><div><br></div><div>So the family concencess was an overall feeling of; if the stars align with our needs, we would enjoy having a Forever Family Dog. We ended </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-40424406491753958352022-06-29T21:05:00.001-07:002022-06-29T21:05:46.822-07:00Written in March/April 2022<div>Today I had a big cry and a beautiful walk down memory lane. The photos from my mission have been in storage for the last two decades. Leif and I finally pulled them out so we can share them with our boys and start good conversations about mission life and teaching the gospel. </div><div><br></div><div>As I started going through my photos I was overwhelmed with sorrow and anger. My dearest mission companion, Fai' Ana Fotofili died from pneumonia five years ago. We served more then half of my mission together. After I married and started having babies I kind of lost my brain and let my contact with FaiAna become way too infrequent. When I found out that FaiAna passed I was absolutely Devestated! </div><div><br></div><div>FaiAna was my trainer. She had the most incredible laugh. And an amazing sense of humor. </div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-27130506696018579262022-06-29T21:04:00.001-07:002022-06-29T21:04:47.213-07:00Written in May 2022I've learned some things about myself recently. First, I have built walls around myself in order to keep me from crying and/or feeling deep emotion. This means that for many, many, years I have not consistently listened to music that would invoke the Spirit to touch me, talk to me, and most likely cause tears to flow. In my previous lives ( not really😉) I mean in my earlier years, listening to music that brought me to the comfort of my Savior was an every day thing. Just a part of me. <div><br></div><div>Why is this? And what have the consequences been? Well, I think the biggest reason is that I have not dared to evoke too much emotion. For fear that I would spiral and not be able to contain it. And Heaven knows I already battle spiraling out of control. Why encourage it? Right. No, I know that's a very unhealthy mindset. But survival mode causes us to do what we feel has to be done. Just to keep the boat afloat. I think the consequence has been a sense of loneliness. Living in a house full of males who all feel emotions in a completely different way then I do can feel isolating as it is. But to then never show them raw sad emotions?... it's just not a healthy way to live.</div><div><br></div><div>For many years we almost bragged about Leif's ability to compartmentalize. Split himself into pieces and be who he needed to be, where ever he was at the time. A.K.A. block out certain things in order to keep all of the boats afloat. And he did it very well.</div><div>Yeah, that type of coping strategy is a really bad idea that bites you back too.</div><div><br></div><div>Now that we are all living a more normal, stable lifestyle, we are being faced with problems that have been festering and only barely tended to. I think we have a new journey in front of us. I don't think it's going to be comfortable. I wonder how it will play out. </div><div><br></div><div>*Have no fear as you read this. Our marriage is secure. That's not where this is leading.*</div><div><br></div><div>I'm talking about facing mountains in our lives that we haven't faced completely yet. Basically, there is a monumental mountain in our life together titled the year 2006 that has only grown into different mountains with different trails. That have led to other trails. </div><div><br></div><div>For so many years we have been digging our way forward to get to where we are today with Leif's schooling and career. It has given us the perfect excuse to just buck up, take a pill, or just ignore it, and move for</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-86112805224043093312022-05-11T20:15:00.001-07:002022-05-11T20:15:00.958-07:00I had a conversation with my son Caleb today. Caleb has high functioning Autism, ADHD and Anxiety. One of his biggest struggles is to find the words to explain something, let alone getting the words to come out of his mouth making sense.<div><br></div><div>For a couple of months or more whenever I've asked him how school went he would tell me little things about the drama or sadly, the bullying. But he's also been saying that during the day some things, in his words, "... feel so confused." I've tried to figure out what he means by "confused." Especially since he's been able to get across that there's a spiritual element involved in the confusion. </div><div><br></div><div>Today I found myself able to take on the question and try to understand what in the world was happening inside of him. </div><div><br></div><div>I was able to get from him that the confusion dealt with thoughts and feelings. So with that I tried to figure out if he was dealing with "Intrusive Thoughts." A term used in the psychology world to explain a symptom that often occurs when your body is dealing with a chemical imbalance or other mental health issues. These thoughts will suddenly intrude without warning. Usually extremely negative thoughts or memories, and some people will even hear what seems like a voice(s) telling them random things. He was able to tell me that that was not what he was experiencing. I was grateful. But we still needed to dig further. </div><div><br></div><div>Next, I talked to him about another psychology term called "Flooding." I shared with him that this is actually something that I've experienced for years as a symptom of anxiety. And I have gradually come to realize it for what it is. I explained to him that sometimes I'll randomly remember something, usually a conversation or interaction with a person that I regret or am embarrassed about. Something that roots in me feeling inferior. I'll have a flood of emotion that quickly comes; rolls through, and for me the words Angry - Sad - Mad - actually sound off in my mind. And then the moment will roll away until the next time. Unresolved but not weighing heavily for very long. He said he could definitely relate to that experience. But that wasn't the "confusion" that we were trying to put words to.</div><div><br></div><div>I wish I could remember exactly how it happened, and what he said. But finally as we talked, Caleb was able to say the words he needed to say to help us figure things out. He said that it's not really a chaotic feeling. But happens more when he has choices to make throughout the day. That he is overwhelmed with confusion on what he should do. What the Right choice is. He said that he couldn't figure out what was his thoughts vs. the Holy Ghost.</div><div><br></div><div>I was so thrilled that finally his tongue was loosed and his mind cleared enough to be able to put words to his "confusion." </div><div><br></div><div>The first thing I did was ask him to give me an example. He told me that today he had to quickly make the decision whether to go out and play soccer or to go to the Wellness Center to relax and check on a friend. He chose to go play soccer and ended up getting a ball thrown at his back. Sadly, something that has happened in the past. </div><div><br></div><div>Now for the lesson: He and I named it "The Tool Belt" analogy. The first thing I cleared up and helped him understand was that the Holy Ghost isn't going to tell you what to eat for breakfast. Meaning, God wants us to learn to make our own decisions. Next, I gave him a formula to follow to help him make decisions. Something to put in his tool belt to help during the day. Mind you, people with autism often need a plan. A rule to follow. I told him to pull from past experiences as often as possible. So, with soccer, he can think back and ask himself what percentage of the time he Loves playing soccer at school. How often does he feel light, joy, and illumination while playing. Then compare that answer with the opposite choice. And obviously, the best decision is to Choose Light. Because Light is from God. </div><div><br></div><div>This conversation seems so simple as I read over what I've written. It proves how hard it is for kids with special needs to make sense of this crazy world. And also, how hard it is for us to help these precious ones to reach their potential. I'm so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ that gives me a foundation to pull from as I try to guide my children. I would feel so lost without Him. ☀️</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-84007749652758781272022-04-22T18:02:00.001-07:002022-04-22T18:02:14.786-07:00Today, I'm Grateful to say that my doctor was kind when I requested a prescription of Lamictal for Bipolar II Disorder. I was worried that he would make me wait until Psych could get me in. But instead, he asked for a clarification of my diagnosis from the past and my past and present symptoms of the disorder. He then confirmed with Psych that he could write the script and that I would follow up as soon as they can get me in. <div><br></div><div>I knelt down today, and prayed to my Father in Heaven that this medication and other services that Psych can offer will be life changing for me and for my family. I pled for His blessing on my desire to care for my family steadily. Without bad days, weeks, or months breaking up any progress that is made.</div><div><br></div><div>I know that He hears my prayers and will do what is best. And that He is with us come what may. But I do have a good feeling about the future. </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-59421601003607376332022-04-14T17:40:00.001-07:002022-04-14T17:40:07.129-07:00Psych Help In California Did you know that during the 3 years of living in California that I have been turned down for psych services at least 6 times! SIX Times!!! If I were suicidal, I would be dead right now. And I wish that was a joke. It's far from a joking matter! <div><br></div><div>I have reached out all of these different times so that I could get a prescription for the proper medication and possibly some counseling. Or even better, a series of EMDR treatments. </div><div><br></div><div>Why have I been turned away, you ask? Because my case is too complicated for their "specialized services." In other words, the doctors have deliberately chosen to go the easy route in psych services. My case requires navigating through medical issues as well as psych issues. </div><div><br></div><div>It blows me away that in a field so vital, it is By Far the hardest field in the medical world to navigate. In the first place, multiple phone calls are required to even begin the process of getting help. And that right there folks, is a HUGE issue for someone with fragile mental health. Making a phone call that actually requires you to speak to a person AND answer questions sensibly, is comparable to trying to eat an elephant. It's pretty much impossible.</div><div><br></div><div>And the couple of times I gathered my strength and follow through to sign up online for online therapy, I was denied service because my case is too complicated. </div><div><br></div><div>Have no fear for me though, my story is about to get better, I hope!! I made the two different phone calls through our insurance to get an appointment, assured them that yes, indeed our guns are locked up. And no, I am not feeling suicidal or homicidal. And finally, it was arranged for me to have an Evaluation appointment in TWELVE DAYS from now. Lol! 🤣🤣🤣 Do you know what can evolve in two weeks time when someone's mental health is in a fluid state. A Lot can happen. But, again, all will be well. I'm pretty accustomed to riding these waves. "Baby Steps." "Baby Steps." 😉😉😉 #whataboutbobjoke</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-76687727874285501842022-04-10T21:40:00.001-07:002022-04-10T21:40:55.171-07:00Pray for our future leadershipToday I watched the first episode of the documentary series called <a href="https://www.netflix.com/us/title/81488464?s=a&trkid=13747225&t=cp&vlang=en&clip=81504827">WWII IN COLOR ROAD TO VICTORY.</a> As I listened to the story of Winston Churchill and the miracle of Dunkirk, my mind naturally reflected on the current war. Which I believe is only the beginning of a greater war. <div><br></div><div>First, I reflected on the current troop numbers in the current war. And the total casualties up to now. Not to demean them in any way; but the number of troops gathered at Dunkirk and the number of casualties they had up to that point is unfathomable to us in this generation. We're talking, half a MILLION troops, killed in only the beginning of the war. That is something I pray that we won't have face again.</div><div><br></div><div>The next thing that came to me was the two types of leadership that were working on laying out a plan that they each thought was the right path. Halifax, ready to surrender and have "peace talks" which very likely would not ultimately bring peace to the lives of the Britain's. And then Churchhill, the believer and the Never Surrender leader who inspired the nation to press forward to Victory. </div><div><br></div><div>We have two years until the United States holds their next presidential election. My overwhelming feeling is that our nation needs to become united in prayer in preparation for that election. Not praying for a certain person or party. But specifically praying that through the inspired election process and the freedom for the people to choose, simply pray that God will place to leader whose destiny it is to lead our country with honor, intelligence, wisdom gained through experience, courage, and determination.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-1807099323497315032022-04-08T16:52:00.001-07:002022-04-08T16:52:38.570-07:00I PrayI turned off the news for a couple of weeks. The pain and heaviness that I felt for the children of Ukraine was too heavy and I could do Nothing but pray for them. I literally had to pray to Father to sever the cord of feeling and empathy I was feeling. So that I could find some peace and step away for a while. He absolutely did that for me. It was a clear difference. Although I did have several dreams about children I was searching for. Trains. Mass destruction and fast and furious retreats. So obviously I still feel something. <div><br></div><div>This week Russia pulled out of the North cities that they were devastating for the last month. They're regrouping and going to move to the East. They couldn't take Kiev like they'd hoped. But the absolute horror of what they left behind in the towns is as powerful and as barbaric as the atrocities done during WWII. We're talking executions, mass graves, and the unimaginable; mobile crematorium.</div><div><br></div><div>Today the Russian's fired a missile into a train station in the East where people were trying to evaluate before being invaded. Why they've waited until now? Leif and I wonder.🤔 Honestly, today's attack could have been so much worse! I pray none of the trains are taken out. </div><div><br></div><div>My brother Jason has a long distance girlfriend who lives in Odesa in the South. CNN just said that today there were three attacks there. The beginning in that area. I wonder how she and her family are...?</div><div><br></div><div>It's all a horrible feeling of helplessness. Not being part of the leadership who make the decisions on how to help. Or, IF to help. It's a horrible feeling. </div><div><br></div><div>I ask myself and God what I can do to help. The impression I get is that there will be a time in the future when I might be able to physically help. But for now, my charge is to build strong men who can go out and succeed despite the world chaos that they will undoubtedly face. Let alone the fact that they will also have a family to care for. I pray now for their future wife's. I pray that they are being prepared and taught how to remain strong through mighty storms. ... I Pray.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-26544970610593977772022-04-03T18:21:00.001-07:002022-04-03T18:21:37.653-07:00For The Record: Ukraine and Russia Update<a href="https://youtu.be/VoQOCuLrlR4">Estonian Soldier Reports</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-49522758802258055122022-03-31T18:17:00.001-07:002022-03-31T18:17:17.614-07:0024 Months Since the Pandemic Began<div>This is a well done consolidation of the story within the Pandemic. There is A Lot more that isn't it it. But they did a good job catching a glimps.</div><div><br></div><a href="http://Check%20out%2024%20Months%20That%20Changed%20the%20World%20%E2%80%93%20A%20Special%20Edition%20of%2020/20%20on%20Hulu!%20%20https://www.hulu.com/series/4ca9c43f-6740-4b47-9851-6803ea7805e6?utm_source=shared_link">24 Months That Changed The World 20/20 Special </a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-17447856166897718612022-03-03T13:51:00.001-08:002022-03-03T13:51:57.492-08:002022 Russia Invasion Of Ukraine <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-23644667097762301862022-02-01T11:23:00.001-08:002022-02-01T11:23:12.330-08:00Looking Back and Forth at History<div>Lately I've been thinking a lot about history. Personal history, world history, family history. And I've determined that, in fact, hindsight is 20/20. </div><div><br></div><div>We've pulled out our Save boxes that were stored in MO for the last ten years. Pulling out things I haven't looked at in decades. My grandma's recipe drawer that I took when she died. My many many journals and photo albums from my childhood and youth. Mission photos. ( I haven't pulled out mission journals yet.) But the experience has been eye opening. A remembrance. A lesson about myself and some weaknesses I still carry with me to this day. And a reminder of how deeply and personally I lived with the Spirit when I was young. </div><div>I'm going to figure out a way the fix some of my weaknesses. </div><div><br></div><div>RUSSIA vs UKRAINE </div><div>The Russian president, Putin, is stiring things up in the east again. He did this in 2014. Lined up along the border of Russia and Ukraine, pumping his chest. Invading just enough to take back a portion of Ukraine that he really wanted. He got everyone in the world riled up and on alert for war for months. And then slowly let it all fizzle out.</div><div>And he's doing it all again. Except he hasn't invaded at all. And at this point he's trying to manipulate the event into a West caused "confusion." While Ukraine's leaders are trying desperately to downplay the entire thing because they don't want an uprising panic. In their words, they're far from grateful for the West and NATO taking this seriously and preparing to help. I wish we could ignore it. But a move like that from superpower Russia can't be ignored or it will just pick up steam. I wonder what history will tell about this.</div><div><br></div><div>CHINA vs. TAIWAN </div><div>Meanwhile, China is itching for war with Taiwan. I think they'd welcome the distraction of a war in Europe to help them make a move. The fact that the U.S. Navy had a Terrible mishap with one of our most sophisticated jets and accidentally flipped it into China waters.🤦♀️</div><div><br></div><div>It's all a Perfect Storm for war.</div><div><br></div><div>Although, we've got our own mess here on our own soil. So Much Division! And so much crime because the law makers supported some stupidity that allows thousands of convicted felons back on to our streets and lightened the sentence of Petty crime. So we've got mayham on our streets and in our stores. Even the trains are being robbed. It's madness. </div><div><br></div><div>And all while trying to handle this seemingly endless pandemic. And an endless Trump investigation of all of his Stupidity. Politicians desperately scrambling to convict him of enough that he will be uneligable to ever run for president again. </div><div><br></div><div>History will be 20/20</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-88236719104012187342022-01-19T10:23:00.003-08:002022-03-04T20:25:46.089-08:00Time For Battle Against Neuro Behcet's<p>September 1, 2021 I woke up feeling terrible. Body aches, throat ulcers, itching at my shingles scar, and I had hives. Most likely I had a fever as well. But I don't recall my temperature. </p><p>I remember being surprised and baffled by how quickly the flare came on. I hadn't been sick like this since July 10, 2020. So almost a year. During the July flare I had colitis and required IV Fluids and prednisone. The prednisone must have done the trick. Because I don't recall the flare lasting excessively long. </p><p>So, in September when I flared we had just moved into a new home and a new area. So my Rheumatologist and physician was in Southern CA and I was in the North. At that point, if I were in my right mind I should have called my Rheumi immediately and gotten prednisone. But I wasn't in my right mind. And Leif was only home half of the days of the week as he worked in San Francisco. And commuted home on his days off. With this flare I was instantly non functionally exhausted. Everything that was in progress was halted drastically. The fact that I returned the litter of puppies I was fostering shows the extent of my fatigue. </p><p>I must have finally taken some prednisone mid September because although I was still exhausted, I took on more puppies and even kittens. But that didn't last long. And then on October 25th I took on Stevie our foster puppy who requires diapers. Although he added work. He gave back and we fell in love with him. He was a good motivator to pull me out of bed. Along with my 4 year old who is still in diapers (only because I have ZERO ability to consistently potty train.) </p><p>So October continued with severe fatigue and mental fog and cognitive decline. And by then I'm pretty sure I was back to cussing (I know I am now). Which happens with Neuro flare ups. And on November 5th and 6th I facebook about Severe headaches. I remember that I'm pretty sure I threw up at that time too they were so bad and finally I took sumatriptan and packed my head with ice. The rest of the month is a blur. By then depression and cutting were definitely on board. The feeling that I was useless. So sick! I'm estimating that this is when I really started noticing CNS symptoms. Muscle twitches, warm spots (feels like a lighter up to your skin), and my knees and thighs started to tremble as I walked down the stairs. November and December I also battled terrible water retention in my arms and hands. Especially in the mornings. I finally took some prescription diuretic I had from the past. Looks like that's happening here in January too. Probably hormonal. </p><p>In December I started feeling abdominal tremors. Something I have never felt before. A sensation like the muscles and everything inside is vibrating. No pain. Just incredibly strange and annoying. The Christmas season lightened the depression. But the CNS symptoms and cognitive decline came front and center. Also muscle twitch/rolling in the tummy. I honestly wondered if I was miraculously pregnant. Of course I wasn't. Another symptom that was an issue in December was jaw jerking. It's happened in the past too. </p><p>In December I got really sick from an infection. Probably covid. Though the test said it was negative. During the two weeks I was sick I had Horrible nerve pain in my teeth and jaw. We concluded it wasn't congestion because it randomly affected different parts of my mouth. Including the lower jaw so bad I though I'd broke a tooth. The catch is, many of my teeth are fake and bridged. So it felt like phantom pains in my mouth. Extremely strange and painful.</p><p>So now it's mid January. And all of these symptoms and more are happening on practically a daily basis. So I am desperate and starting to get Leif nervous. He didn't like seeing my legs shake as I walked down the stairs. And he Really didn't like me talking about Multiple Sclerosis. So, for the last month or so Leif has been prepping for a new job. So we have held off on medical procedures because of that. As well as covid nonsense. But finally I had a clear enough brain to start researching the differences between Behcet's and MS. Because with all of the CNS symptoms we thought I might have MS and that the protocol for MS was different then just prednisone. But I found a study done comparing the two diseases and it is very very likely tht this is just an extension into neuro behcet's from the typical Behcet's that I've already been diagnosed with. And we found another study laying out the treatment plan for neuro behcets. And the first line of defense is always prednisone. So it WAY PAST TIME to start this battle. But here we are. Luckily I have a months worth of pills from my sweet boys who don't use them regularly. So 20mg a day until we see serious improvement and then taper. In the meantime get an MRI. and new doctors. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>LET'S DO THIS! </p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-55284528133321773172022-01-12T09:56:00.001-08:002022-01-12T09:56:59.573-08:00#inthenext10years<div>Last night I lay thinking about the current #10yearchallenge. All that happened in the past 10 years. But then it hit me. All of the monumental things that are hoped for in the upcoming 10 years. I'll be the first to tell anyone that nothing planned, is sure. But we can work for it and hope, until it becomes an experience and memories. </div><div><br></div><div>In the next ten years all of the milestones are those that have been planned for, taught about, saved for, worked towards, and hoped for; forever. Since the beginning of our family.</div><div><br></div><div>In the next ten years we can hope that I can get Joshua potty trained and sleeping through the night in his own bed.😆 </div><div><br></div><div>Seriously though, in the next ten years there is potential for three high school graduations. Three temple endowments. Three missionaries. Three returned missionaries. Three college students. There's even the potential for three weddings.</div><div><br></div><div>Leif has potential for multiple promotions and job milestones. In ten years Joshua should be baptized, ordained a deacon and a teacher. And will be preparing for high school. And me, well, I'll be walking along side each of these amazing people cheering them on as they reach their incredible potentials. Making sure their shirts aren't inside-out.😉💗💗 And then there's Stevie. He has the potential of gaining 20 pounds and becoming a rotund couch potato. Let's hope none of us have that same potential within these next ten years.🤣</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-81707480116241094712021-12-26T17:11:00.001-08:002021-12-26T17:11:19.862-08:00It's only a matter of time and technicalities before I get the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. I'll be pretty surprised if I don't. For the last few days and nights the nerve pain in my teeth has been really bad!. We thought it was the cold I have. But that doesn't make sense with where the pain is. But I'm too weak to hold this and type. But the tremors in my abdomen have us scratching our heads inquisitive too. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-60918249856763831622021-10-31T21:04:00.001-07:002021-10-31T21:04:57.073-07:00Quietly. Secretly. Very. Very. Broken.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-62686218221668923042021-10-11T16:05:00.001-07:002021-10-11T16:05:47.201-07:00I just took one of those silly online quizzes that "tell you" who you are according to your choices. Let's just say that this one was pretty spot on. I'm not talking about the fluff n stuff "you're lucky if she loves you" I mean the "silence means danger..." and "don't take advantage of her kindness..." and "because once you break her trust she's ready to walk away..."<div>Yeah, pretty much spot on. And so descriptive of how I'm feeling right now. I feel like I'm the lead in a silent film. Like life is happening. There's a story. But no sound. No dialog. And filmed with a sepia filter touched up with beautiful fall colors mingled in. </div><div>In fact, I'm so tired and worn down that I can't even get myself to write out all that is happening and how I'm feeling. Especially, because I don't even feel the presence of a writing audience. No one to have a dialog with. No one to write to. At this moment anyway. ... years down the road someone might read this and wonder. But not right now.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35657237.post-42215685864735039262021-10-03T20:26:00.000-07:002022-01-14T16:54:13.777-08:00It's times like this when it's nice that very few people read my blog anymore. That I know of anyway. Because I can share some of my deeper thoughts for the record. But it won't be up for conversation in the moment. <div><br></div><div>This weekend was General Conference. I love this weekend. My kids are respectful about watching Conference. And Leif had the weekend off. So all of that was HUGE in making it a successful experience. </div><div><br></div><div>It was chaotic throughout every session. Between Joshua, Caleb, and puppies. It was far from reverent. But that wasn't surprising. But what was surprising was ME. My inner thoughts and feelings. </div><div><br></div><div>Because I battle chemical imbalance and mental illness its often hard to determine what is truly coming from my heart and spirit or mental illness. Let alone clarifying what might be a prompting from the Holy Ghost. </div><div><br></div><div>Gratefully, throughout the progression of sessions I found myself feeling better and better and genuinely feeling the spirit. But looking back, I had three reoccurring things that I processed through over and over and over. First, bitterness/disappointment. Second, fear/pleading that I wouldn't be tasked with facing a monumental loss/grief again. And third, concern and thoughts about my friends, the ...</div><div><br></div><div>It took a little while for me to figure out that I was feeling bitter. When we moved here I knew that we would get callings. I was somewhat expecting a calling that would stretch me. But I felt strongly that whatever calling I was given I would be given the strength to serve. From my experience also, whoever I am serving with becomes my circle of friends and network. So when I was asked to be the Humanitarian Service representative for our ward (which isn't a calling where you're set apart) I thought maybe I'd still be given a calling in addition to that. But I guess not. I completely understand why. I can barely keep this responsibility afloat. But I'm really disappointed. Mostly, because it means that I serve by myself and I don't really have a circle. I'm feeling Really lonely. And I think I'm getting bitter and jealous of everyone else's health and strength to serve. But honestly, these feelings just stem from my lack of effort to invite the Spirit into my daily life. </div><div>The second reoccurring feeling I had this weekend was FEAR! Dread? PLEADING! Every time the topic of overcoming trials through the power of the Atonement came up I felt these feelings. I felt 100% sure knowledge that what they were teaching was true. From experience. But whether it's the Spirit preparing me, or mental illness inflicting me with anxiety and PTSD, the feelings are overwhelming. The thought of facing the physical and emotional trauma of loss and grief again; is terrifying!! I feel like I'm barely surviving right now. So the thought and possibilities brings back memories. And I feel like I'm screaming inside, pleading... </div><div>When it comes to the .... ; I have no idea why they popped into my mind. I felt overwhelmed by the thoughts. It's totally bizarre when it happens. And at this point, it's REALLY frustrating. Because I have absolutely No Idea why my spirit has such a connection to them. I mean, I love them and have fond memories with them from my mission. But I have no idea why my spirit refuses to let them move into the background of my story like so many other dear friends I've had along the way. ... when these times come I find myself filled with thoughts and feelings and prayers. Most of the time I reach out. And only on a couple of occasions they have shared reasons why maybe I was prompted to pray for them. Otherwise, I actually think it wierds them out. Which I totally understand. 🤔🤷♀️ I have other people who I have this type of connection with. But the connection makes more sense and is somewhat more reciprocated. *sigh*. Again, it just shows that my mind and heart is feeling pretty overwhelmed at the moment. </div><div><br></div><div>And then I forgot that Leif had to go back to work tonight. I'm feeling more and more that we need to get Leif working closer to home. I'm sick of the compartmentalizing that happens to survive this lifestyle. It's not healthy. </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0