Friday, February 28, 2014

Just Keep Walking - There are Good Things to Come!

My heart is full tonight. I wonder what will spill out onto this as I write...

I have been working on a photo project this week. I'm trying to find just the right photos to make in to canvas prints to hang on our living room walls. We already have one large canvas print of two of our children... An artist at a photo shop gave us a canvas painting of our girls just after their funeral. It used to hang on our living room wall in Fredonia. We haven't hung it up here... We pulled out the smaller version of the painting and display it with their cabinet... So often I feel like they are a dream. Like something that happened so long ago that know one remembers except for my body...

This week I have been in bed a huge portion of every day. So incredibly tired. SO So Tired. Not the yawn, I need a nap tired. The bat crazy - pull my hair out - fatigue that could easily drive me insane kind of tired. I have been relived that there hasn't been pain that came with this fatigue... Until noon today. PAIN. Radiating pain. From the inside out to my skin.

Last night I started on Jakob's baby pictures. Year after year and then I moved on to Caleb's and to JJ's. The difference was so clear. The different person that I was when Jakob was born.  And the "new" me when Caleb was born. And all of the loss and heartache within that span of years.  Leif looks different too. There is a little less adventure and innocence in our smiles. I little more flicker of reality in our eyes.

I read an article today about a woman who lost her husband suddenly and was left a widow with 4 young children. She talked about how at the loss of her husband she felt sure that she had experienced "the Big trial." The one that would define her life and teach her all that she needed to learn in life. She then went on to say that it didn't take long to realize that the hardships of life don't stop coming just because we've experienced a tragedy.  Life does go on and trials do continue.  I felt a kinship with this woman and her realization.  I have pondered this deeply albeit subconsciously this week.

Our boys were officially diagnosed this week with Attention Deficit Disorder and Autism Spectrum Disorder. I've caught myself thinking about our girls and the fact that if they would have survived they would have struggled with serious health issues and possible brain damage. Today I found myself pondering the fact that God, our Father, must really know our limits. I don't really like thinking that I have a limit line. But I think we must, and He knows them. And for this, I must be grateful.

I must be grateful that my girls were spared the hardships of this earth life that can be so hard! I must be grateful for all that is so good in my life through the every day hard core grind of life, I must shout praises for all that is good. Otherwise, they will become swallowed up in the fatigue, pain, tears, ADD, ASD, and LIFE.

There used to be a time when I wrote my praises down on a daily basis. I feel sad that I don't do that anymore. I heard a song on the radio the other day and the words spoke to me and reminded me of my sincerest prayer:

Let them see You in me let them hear You when I speak
Let them feel You when I sing
Let them see You, let them see You in me

Who am I with out Your grace, another smile another face
Another breath a grain of sand passing quickly through Your hand
I give my life an offering take it all take everything - JJ Weeks Band

A strong and brave woman asked me how to overcome the enveloping struggle of chronic illness, depression, or heartache.  I took days to write her back my answer because it felt so flat and not profound enough. But it is what it is, and sometimes it is all we can do. My answer was "You just keep walking!" Step by step, hour by hour, day by day, week, month, year by year. You just keep walking! And as you walk you keep your eye out and heart open for the Good Things to Come. Because I promise you, they will!!"

If there is ONE thing that I have learned from all of the storms of my short life, it is that we are truly in the midst of angels. Whether they are from Heaven or on earth, we are never alone. Our Father in Heaven is real and He does not leave us to walk alone. Truly, there are good things to come!
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