Saturday, May 18, 2013

Count Down to the Departure

We leave in Less Then ONE WEEK! AmAzInG!!! 

Plans changed Thursday from having a moving company leave a trailer for us to pack and them driving  it out - to - Us reserving a Budget truck to drive. Leif will drive the truck while pulling our little car and I will drive the van. Jakob will ride with Leif and I will have the Littles. We will save A LOT of money and I feel like I have been prepared ahead of time for this journey. Not ideal. But I'm grateful for the fact that I can even phathom the idea even with my driving phobias.

SATURDAY 18th: Family Brunch (Family in town from Utah), Caleb's Year End Party
Pack
SUNDAY 19th: Leif sings in church, Traditional tie dying summer tee shirts

MONDAY 20th: Jakob and Leif Field Trip to Glenn Canyon Damn, Lena IEP Meeting for Caleb, Neighborhood Farewell Picnic
Pack
TUESDAY 21st: Temple Recommend interviews
Pack
WEDNESDAY 22nd: Pick up Budget Truck from St. George, Elders Q and Scouts come to help load trailer
Pack
THURSDAY 23rd: Load up and organize vehicles for road trip

FRIDAY 24th - TUESDAY 28th: Fredonia - Flagstaff KAO - Albuquerque KAO - Amarillo KAO or Hotel - Oklahoma City KOA or Hotel - Carthage Missouri Bruce and Chris Westwood Civil War Ranch House

Travel Entertainment: 
Videos
Magic School Bus (Complete Series)
Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (movies)
Puppy and Kitten Party
Tailspin Volume 1
Tom and Jerry Volume 3
Duck Tales Volume 2
AudioBooks
A Step of Faith, Richard Paul Evans
Softly and Tenderly, Sara Evans and Rachel Hauck
Beyonders: A World Without Heroes, Brandon Mull

We will stay in my uncle's ranch house until we find our "permanent home." Leif will begin work at the Springfield MO Mercy Hospital on June 10th. 

Friday, May 17, 2013

Today With Lupus


May is Lupus Awareness Month. Part of me hesitates to be very vocal about my fight against Lupus. I think it stems from the fact that I haven't had all of the blood work done so I don't have a slip of paper that tells me in black and white that "You Have Lupus!" In fact, deep down I am terrified that some day when I've finally seen all of the specialists they will come back and tell me that I don't have Lupus and in fact the tests all say I am perfectly healthy. Yes, I am afraid they will tell me that I'm not sick. Because, the truth of the matter is my every day life screams of a fight. So let's talk about it a little, shall we?

Today with Lupus

Today I woke up at 5:30 and felt the strange internal anxiety that I often feel. I squirmed and stretched too much before I was really awake and ended up with aches and pains that could have been avoided if I had just held still while waking up.

Today it took me four hours to get the motivation and strength to get myself breakfast, my medicine, and a shower. I had to lay down in between each task as well as ask my husband to take care of the kids so I could focus and make sure I was taking the right medication in the right way.

Today I want to stop taking the medication (Prednisone) that has helped me in so many ways because I have gained weight that was so hard to lose and my face resembles a full moon. But I won't stop.

Today is like so many others before it. Filled with patches of remembering and forgetting. Words and thoughts, coming and going. Cement instead of Cinnamon... They mean the same thing, Right?

Today I felt fear of what others might think of me when I move to our new home. I wondered if they will understand why I can't spend too much time outside in the sun or help with the big projects or run and play with the kids. I know I will feel guilty for not being able to help or do enough. I fear they will see me as lazy and selfish. Fear is a sneaking devise.

Today the kids had pizza for lunch, leftovers for dinner and popcorn for breakfast. Lovely!

Today I have a swollen nerve in my lower back - and on my head - and one on my arm and foot. Inflamed nerves cause sharp pain or ridiculous itching. We won't even discuss the sore in my nose and the jagged hairline that I discovered They're Great!;).

And then it happened:

Today I suddenly found myself thinking clearly and moving around productively... The hour was fabulous!:)

Today I kept going. I prayed. I rested. I kept going. I prayed. I rested. I kept going. I prayed. And finally I will sleep.  Because tomorrow will be another day very much like it was Today.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Leaving Them Behind but Inviting Them Near

I didn't think it would really matter... But now I know it does because the tears have began to flow, and that is rare, indeed.  Last night I dreamed about abandoned babies at a store that turned out to be broken pieces of a doll or small decorated kidney beans. In the dream I really wanted to keep "the babies" all for myself. I woke up with my first thought being about the rose bushes growing outside in our front yard.  I wonder what will happen to them?

This is the jumbled emotions of my Mother Heart trying to process the reality that I must leave. I will leave with three of my children and I will have to leave my girls and their hallowed ground here, creating even more distance between us then there has already been. For some reason it has become hard and sad.

To get through the aching lump in my throat that has surprised me throughout the day I start to day dream about the memorial that we will build again for our girls. Everywhere we go their is always a place for them. Our landing place when we get to Missouri won't be where we will set down roots. But it will be a special home for our family, owned by family.  I am hoping they won't mind if we put a little garden together in my girls honor. A place where I can nurture and beautify and ponder the journey of life. Some day I hope to have a place with two cherub angels statues and maybe even a bench to sit in and teach my boys about their sisters and the lessons that they taught us during their short but profound life. To everything there is a season.

This is a season that has been long awaited and carries many beautiful changes and treasures. And yes, some very sad and difficult changes as well. I didn't think this would be one of them. But I was wrong. The power of a Mother's Love is still surprising to me. And what is more surprising is how, some how, we carry on.
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