Thursday, January 31, 2013

This Is My Life ... This Is Our Life

I'm really tired tonight. Deeply Tired. My life feels bizarre lately. Sometimes I just hope I haven't truly become the hypochondriac I felt like as a child. I rarely mention my childhood on my blog. In fact, it's the ONLY thing that I have never talked about on my blog. I just haven't wanted to make waves. To hurt feelings... To go too deep. We have grown up since then. Moved on. Lived, and Learned. Forgiven... and tried to forget. Well, some of us have. Bless you for this ability. I have tried so hard. I think I will get to this point one day. Especially as I raise my children. It helps me understand where my parents may have been coming from. Why they just didn't seem to get it. To get me. And why I just could not get them. I see more clearly now how we all have our struggles. Our Oddities. Empathy is a beautiful thing. Christ has Empathy. I am striving for this understanding. This Love.

Honestly, I had no idea that I was going to write what I just wrote when I sat down. As I said, I am deeply tired. My children are growing up so fast. Every day flies by. By baby is growing up and this makes me sad. But most of the time I am so grateful for the speed. Just to get through Leif's schooling, this time alone. That is the current light at the end of the struggle. But I am no longer naive enough to believe that life will suddenly turn blissfully easy the day after his graduation. It will just be a different Great and a different Hard. And a different Journey. Looking back at the latest Lesson. And ever-Challenging.

My days seem to be filled with so many strange things. I feel like it has all come on within this last month. I have no idea why I feel this way. This has always been our life: Children making amazing patterns and stacks with their toys, waking up throughout the night screaming in terror only to have no memory of the chaos in the morning, and sleep walking. My children covering their ears when they hear a vacuum, passing out from a skinned knee, and shrieking at the sound of a violin are just things we plan ahead for and warn teachers about. The reality that my children prefer a WWII documentary over Disney and that one child will go into hysterics while watching the Backyardigan's is just our family's normal.

Saying things like "Find your space!" -  "Don't lick the remote!" -  "Watch out for the cart!" - "Have your taste buds changed?" -  "Don't climb on their couch!" - "Sometimes the answer is No, and that's OK." - "Yes, there are two light bulbs." - "Yes, there are two... two... two..." - "Oh yes, actually I can hear..." - "We have to wash your hair!" - "Remember there are right and wrong times to keep telling your story or ideas, this is the WRONG time!" - "Go jump on the trampoline!" - "OK, you need a drink, so you?..." - "Listen to your body." - "No, I don't know the size of a queen bee." - "I'm sorry the toilet might be dirty, it is the only one there and you need to use it." -  "Go play a game in your head." - "Find your teachers voice." - "Turn the game (in your head ) off!" - "Get off the table!" - "Plans Change, and that's OK!" - "Sit in your chair!" - "You have to count down before you hit lift off." - "Are you with me?"  "Did you really chew up that toy?"

This is my life. Every Day!  And so much more.

Despite the challenges and the strangeness of my life I have found that I love my children more and more every day. I see now that I have been prepared for this calling as their mother for as long as I can remember.    They are mine, and I am theirs. And this is our life.
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