Tuesday, October 23, 2012

NICU Dream - Searching

I had a NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) dream this afternoon during nap time. It felt so real and so Intense! It's been six years this week since my first daughter passed away. My second passed away a couple weeks later. It usually ends up that I have at least one Baby Loss dream each year. This dream was different then any of the others I have had before.

It started with Leif and I on a vacation somewhere. We were waking up and I turned to him and said, "don't you think we should go see the baby?" I was surprised and worried at the fact that we had a baby in the NICU and we weren't right by HIS side. I was suddenly filled with anxiety and an urgency to get to the hospital to see our son. I was filled with a frustration because I didn't feel like Leif was in a hurry to get there.  Suddenly, we were standing in front of Leif's grandparents home in Brigham City. My family was there with us and we were all getting ready to go to the hospital. I realized at that moment that we were going to need a temporary place to live. I turned to Leif and asked him if the house was vacant. He said it was. I broke down sobbing with gratitude for the blessing and Leif just held me. My family headed to the hospital and Leif and I started driving to the hospital as well. However, I was in the back seat of the car and suddenly I realized that the car was driving crazy and Leif was not in the drivers seat. I climbed up front and started to drive and out of my window I could see that there was an accident across the street. Leif had jumped out of the car as an EMT. I was FURIOUS!!!!

We finally made it to the hospital and I was overwhelmed because I couldn't believe we were going through another NICU experience. Everything looked so familiar.  I pulled Leif aside and started listing all that we HAD to do this time to show our faith in God, so he would let our baby live. I was crying as I told him we had to read our scriptures morning and night, pray, and fast. I told him these are things I regret not doing last time. I felt like I needed to convince him that this was important. (I felt such a urgency to get to the baby at this point.) We kept trying to get the nurses to show us where to go. In the mean time we were discussing names Tyson, Joshua, Benjamin, or all of them. Then we found out that my dad had gone in to the baby with Leif's brother Eric and gave the baby a blessing. Again, I was furious. Why hadn't they waited for us!?

FINALLY, we got a nurse to show us where we were supposed to go. But as we were walking someone stepped in between Leif and I and I couldn't see Leif any more. When my view was clear, Leif was nowhere to be seen. He had gone in without me. I was in a panic. I couldn't find my way around no matter how I tried or who I asked. All the while I just felt so confused and a longing to simply get to my baby...

I never found Leif or my baby. When I was wound up enough in my dream my mind kept telling me that I was dreaming and I just needed to wake up. I kept trying and trying to wake up, knowing that in real life I needed to wake up and pick up Jakob and Caleb from school. Finally, the phone rang in my real world and I was pulled awake.. . Leif was calling to give me Jakob's MRI results.

It was a very tale-telling dream. One that dug deep into my mind and heart...

Thank You's Are In Order!

Jakob and I drove home from Flagstaff Saturday afternoon. I had such a wonderful time in Flagstaff with Leif.  It was so nice to catch some quality R&R! I was also able to go to a NACDAB (Northeren Arizona Child Development Administrating Board) meeting. This was the first in my year-long term. I really enjoyed being among fellow Head Start parents with similar goals and concerns. It was nice to get my brain working on other things for a minute. Leif and I were also able to stay in the new house that he's renting in. It is going to be a wonderful change! Jakob drove to Flag on Friday with the Fredonia Swim Team (Thank You Team!) to meet up with us for his MRI. It was fun to have a little quality time with him. His MRI was at 8PM. I gave him a melatonin before we left for the appointment. He fell asleep in the lobby while waiting for the tech to bring him back. Apparently he slept like a rock through the entire one hour MRI. THANK HEAVENS!!

A cold front blew in to Fredonia on Sunday. Unfortunately, it's kickin' my tail! My bone and joint pain sky rocketed. It's no fun. I could go on, but I've decided to just get to the point. Over these last two days I have been struggling. But I have been blessed! Sunday night we had a visit from a dear family in our ward. They came to bring us a treat and a hello. I felt so grateful for their visit and gift. And THEN, yesterday night another dear friend stopped by just to say hello and to bring me an AMAZING piece of her home made Mint Chocolate Silk Pie! SERIOUSLY!! It was so tasty and exactly what I needed at just the right time!! Thank you Dear Father for sending me dear friends to lift me up when I am low!!

These good friends as well as others helped watch my little Munchkins while I was in Flagstaff. I just want to send out a THANK YOU for that as well!!

There is a scripture in Malachi 3:8 that tells explains the reason for our many blessings over these past couple of weeks. Paying our tithing this month was a complete step of faith. Father did not let us down! He truly proved to us that he will follow through with his promises as we obey his commandments in faith! Thank You Father!

10 Bring ye all the atithes into the storehouse, that there may bebmeat in mine house, and cprove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not dopen you the ewindows of heaven, and pour you out a fblessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.
 11 And I will arebuke the bdevourer for your sakes, and he shall not destroy the fruits of your ground; neither shall your vine cast her fruit before the time in the field, saith the Lord of hosts."
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