Thursday, June 14, 2012

The Woman I Will Become

I feel grateful for many things today. I'll also let you in on a little secret. I feel proud of myself today too:) I've often thought that a sign of confidence and inner peace is someone who takes time to get out of their comfort zone to spend time with no one else but themselves... and they enjoy their time alone. I don't mean finding an afternoon to snuggle up on your bed to read a good book. I mean going to a movie or out to lunch. Alone. And feeling comfortable in your own skin with no one to talk to or be with.

I have never been this person before. I often define myself by who I am with and who wants to be with me. However, before Leif left for school I knew that this was the time to find the confidence and inner peace that I have admired in others for myself. Now is the time to rearrange things so that I am my own best friend and God is my number one source of peace and companionship. And so today I took a step in the right direction.

Thanks to a wonderful mother in law who encouraged me to pick up the phone and talk to people if I need help instead of relying on text messaging and Facebook, and to a good friend who called just at the right time today for me to miss her call and force me to act on this advise,  I was able to ask this good friend to watch my boys for a few hours so I could take myself out to lunch and then to the library.

Thank you dear FayLynn for your wise advise. And thank you dear Michelle for you invaluable willingness to help me with my wild little angels. This afternoon was wonderful! I treated myself to my favorite salad at Houston's and even indulged in a piece of chocolate cream pie. MMM! I took a book with me that I've been trying to read for days. I ended up reading enough to find out that I don't like it and was thrilled to know that I had the time alone to go find a better book. But the best part was that I caught a glimpse of someone today. She felt loved. But she didn't require the love she felt in order to feel peace and confidence in the world around her. She is the woman I will become one day.

Some Things Just Don't Make Sense. But Then Again...

Tonight I have been reminded of something so vitally important in our life here on earth. It is that no matter how hard we try, no matter what we think, God has a plan for us. It is His plan. Yes, if we ask it shall be opened. But it will still be in His way and in His time. There are some people that believe that if you believe hard enough with your mind and connect it just perfect with your heart that you can bring your will to pass. Some people would define that as faith. In my experience, however, sometimes faith means allowing the laws of God to take place. That means that sometimes science, nature, life, and death some time are just the required result. Now, I believe in miracles! I believe that He can over-rule the law. However, if that happens it is because it is part of His plan.

Does that mean that prayer is useless? Does that mean that hope is for naught and without fruit? No. It just means that in the end we must realize that there is One who sees the whole picture. From beginning to eternity. One who, though humanly incomprehensible, has no malice or negative intention toward us in any way, shape, or form. One who has a perfect love for us. So when we pray and plead with our Father to give us our hearts desire. Eventually we must resign ourselves to the fact that if we changed His mind by our endless pleadings, wouldn't that mean that we asked Him to change the perfect plan for our life? Maybe as hard and seemingly impossible as it may feel, we should pray not for a change of plan, but for the courage, peace, and patience required to accept the jigsaw-plan that we see here until we can see the full picture later.

Sometimes it feels impossible to find joy in the circumstances that we're in. Impossible to see the perfectness in "the plan." It just makes no sense. In fact, sometimes it feels as if God himself is out to get us. Sometimes we feel like something has to change or be fixed before we can find peace in the journey.  And these are the times when the human soul is tried to its core. Refined. Do we wait until we reach our destination and miss the whole point of our human existence? Or do we surrender our humanness and allow him to show us the beauty along the way? That my friend's is a question that only we can decide the answer to for ourselves.

By Robert J. Hastings

         TUCKED AWAY in our subconscious minds is an idyllic vision in which we see ourselves
on a long journey that spans an entire continent. We're traveling by train and, from the 
windows, we drink in the passing scenes of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at
crossings, of cattle grazing in distant pastures, of smoke pouring from power plants, of row
upon row upon row of cotton and corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of city skylines and
village halls.

    But uppermost in our conscious minds is our final destination--for at a certain hour and on a
given day, our train will finally pull into the station with bells ringing, flags waving, and bands
playing. And once that day comes, so many wonderful dreams will come true. So restlessly, we
pace the aisles and count the miles, peering ahead, waiting, waiting, waiting for the station.

    "Yes, when we reach the station, that will be it!" we promise ourselves. "When we're 
eighteen. . . win that promotion. . . put the last kid through college. . . buy that 450SL 
Mercedes-Benz. . . have a nest egg for retirement!"

    From that day on we will all live happily ever after.

    Sooner or later, however, we must realize there is no station in this life, no one earthly
place to arrive at once and for all. The journey is the joy. The station is an illusion--it
constantly outdistances us. Yesterday's a memory, tomorrow's a dream. Yesterday belongs to a
history, tomorrow belongs to God. Yesterday's a fading sunset, tomorrow's a faint sunrise. Only
today is there light enough to love and live.

    So, gently close the door on yesterday and throw the key away. It isn't the burdens of today 
that drive men mad, but rather regret over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. Regret and
fear are twin thieves who would rob us of today.

    "Relish the moment" is a good motto, especially when coupled with Psalm 118:24, "This is
the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it."

     So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, swim more rivers, climb more
mountains, kiss more babies, count more stars. Laugh more and cry less. Go barefoot oftener.
Eat more ice cream. Ride more merry-go-rounds. Watch more sunsets. Life must be lived as we
go along. The station will come soon enough.

Monday, June 11, 2012

No Worries... I'm Fighting!

"Some people are like rocks thrown into a sea of problems. They are drowned by them. Be a cork. When submerged in a problem, fight to be free to bob up to serve again with happiness."

Elder Richard G. Scott 1996 General Conference

I Need to Hear From You!

Ok this is me being very open and up front. I am in one of those places right now when I just need to know someone is out there. So if you stop by here, let me know k? Thanks in advance.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Post Visit Blues and a Song Dedication (Never Alone, Lady Antebellum)

I need to write tonight. I really want a huge bowl of ice cream too. But it's late... and I'm too tired to get the ice cream out. But then again...

Leif came home for a visit this weekend. It had been two weeks since he was able to visit last. Honestly, I'm not sure what it was about this visit, but WOW! I've had a hard time turning off the tears. I started last night and again when I had to see him off and, uggg.... If you've ever felt the reality of a true aching heart, you know that it is no fun. I've felt much like I did the first day he left for school. However, there is one huge difference. At that point I really didn't know if I was going to make it alone. I had no idea how the kids were going to react. And, although I knew the Lord said He would make things work, I had No idea How he would do it. Now I have a few more answers and a stronger conviction of our Father's Love. I will make it through this. I am not alone. Kids are incredibly flexible and resilient as long as a few specific needs are met. And truly, I stand all amazed at the Love Jesus offers me.

There are two Really hard things about Leif being away at school. I am lonely. Busy, but lonely. And I am terrible at taking care of myself nutritionally. I need to force myself to go to sleep earlier. I find myself staying up for hours after I put the kids to bed just because that is the only time I am alone. But toward the end of last week and into this weekend my body has been screaming at me for better care. I am so grateful and thrilled to say that I've lost around 20  pounds since Valentines day. I know this has blessed me in so many ways. I've taken medicine to help me along the way. The medicine has been a blessing in more then just weight loss. I feel like in may ways I have come back to life. But the appetite suppressant forces me to be responsible and eat even when I don't feel like eating. I'm being responsible, but not great.

I'm babbling...

I just needed to talk tonight. I also need to get to bed. Tomorrow is another day and it will be a good one. Like my Jakob told me today, "no one can make you angry!" Wonder where he got that!? Smarty Pants! But he's right.  Peace is a choice. I will make the choice to wake up and find the joy in tomorrow, come what may.

Leif dedicated this song to me a little while back and I will try to remember it as I take on this upcoming week. He made a video with our own pictures. But I can't put it on here right now (it's on our Love Letters Along the Way blog.) So I found this one instead. Thank you My Love for finding these words that fit your love so well... I hope you readers enjoy them as much as I do.
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